Stoner Ninja
by NarutoStoner
Summary: Self-insert! What if two of your everyday stoners were to die and find out it was a mistake? To make up for that mistake both boys are given a wish? They wish to be in the Naruto world with no clue what they are getting into and an inexhaustiable amount of weed. Haven't decided any pairings yet! No godlike OC's! Starts like canon then changes OCxIno OCxAnko
1. Chapter 1

A/N- Hello readers! This is my first attempt at writing a fanfiction, although I'm working on two other stories at the moment as well. The first story is about what would happen if Naruto left Konoha with the forbidden scroll instead of waiting for Mizuki. The second is a Bleach/Naruto crossover involving Naruto landing in Soul Society after death, only problem is he's affected by Aizen's zanpakuto while Aizen is performing konso on his soul. This story IS a self-insert involving me and my close friend. NEITHER of our characters are going to be bloodline wielders and will start the academy at the same level as all civilian children do (excluding the knowledge they obtained during their actual lives). Now without further ado I present the first chapter of Stoner Ninja.  
Disclaimer- I sadly do not own Naruto, that honor belongs to Kishimoto-sama, who can give me the rights to it at anytime! (Then the Narutoverse would be introduced to a pothead Gai...maybe he'd shut up about FLAMES OF YOUTH then or just not yell.)

Chapter 1-

The sky was a dark black, the clouds intertwining and twirling in an ominous but strangely beautiful way. The roads were empty save for a single car in the largest town in Massachusetts as the latest hurricane tore through. The car contained two nineteen year old boys, who were doing what they do best, smoking weed. As the night wore on the weather got worse and worse but the boys didn't care. The driver was named Ray, he stood 5'10 with short brown hair and a close cropped goatee. He wore a simple pair of khaki cargo shorts with a Boston Red Sox shirt and cap on and was currently smoking a cigarette while singing along to the Taylor Swift song on the radio.

The other boy present was named Alex, he was 6' even with long brown hair that hung just below his eyes. He wore tight fitting grey jeans with a fox t-shirt and metal mulisha hat. He was focused on the cigar he was in the process of splitting in order to roll a blunt. The sky flashed a mix of white and blue for a solid 7-8 seconds immediately followed by a deafening crash as the sound thunder filled their ears. "Holy shit! That was the biggest one so far!" Alex half shouted to be heard over the roar of the wind and constant drumming of rain. This statement was followed by both boys erupting into a fit of almost hysteric giggling. As the song came to a close Ray continued the conversation they were having before they were interrupted by 'Love Story'.

"All I'm sayings that it doesn't matter how many strategies you make, if we were shinobi in the Naruto world I would beat you every time!" Ray exclaimed.

"The most dangerous weapon is a man's mind, brute force can only get you so far." Alex replied while in a mock thinking pose.

"Ehh, I still say I'd win. Is that almost finished?"

"Yeah, just give me a sec. I don't think either of us would be all that good of ninja anyways, we smoke to much." And ironically enough this was said as another blunt was being lit. The sky steadily got darker, but that wasn't noticeable with the almost constant bolts of lightning weaving it's way through the sky. The storm was getting worse and worse by the second, the boys didn't notice as they steadily smoked themselves stupid. "Hey Ray, uhh where the hell are we?!" Alex said after realizing he had no clue where they were.

"Uhh, I honestly don't know. I just kept driving on this road while we smoked. All I know is I can only see about 5 feet in front of me." As if some higher power heard this and decided to mess with the duo a giant bolt of lightning tore through the sky. The flash illuminated the entire area for a quarter mile wide, just in time for the boys to see the road turn off and them already heading off the edge of the road and straight down towards the ocean. If anyone could hear them screaming they'd compare it to a Justin Bieber concert, screaming little girls. With the flash ending neither of the duo could see the approaching water, but both knew the end was coming quickly. Both boys screaming while hugging each other, tears flowing from the knowledge death is coming. Both had the same thought seconds before they hit, "Please God, I don't want to die yet!"

Five minutes of crying, screaming, and hugging each other later, Alex realized they never made impact. "Ray!" he shouted, trying to get his attention. "AHHHHHH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE NEW TWO AND A HALF MEN!" A tick mark appeared on Alex's face at his friend ignoring him. "RAY!" he shouted accompanied by a slap across the face.

"Huh? We aren't dead?! What the fuck happened!?" Ray half shouted after realizing they were alive.

"I don't know what happened either, I just stopped screaming a second ago." Alex replied calmly, much more so than should be possible. Both finally took the opportunity to observe their surroundings. First thing they noticed, is that instead of being in the middle of a raging hurricane, they were seated on a boulder surrounded by bright white light with nothing else in view. "Dude are we in heaven do you think?" Alex questioned his partner in crime.

"Well if we are, this place is fucking awful! How are we supposed to spend an eternity sitting on a damn rock with nothing to do!" Ray said while at the same time crying anime tears.

"Well when you get to heaven isn't there supposed to be the pearly gates along with some guy to decide if your worthy or not? Actually I can't get into heaven as an atheist can I? What if when we get to the gates they hang me outside naked for everyone to point and laugh at? What if I was right all along with atheism and there is no god or heaven or anything after you die?" Ray during this had a steadily growing sweat-drop. "-and then they made me get tickled by evil gnomes while in front of all the pretty girls, then what would we do? Ray? Have you been listening?"

Ray who had in fact not been listening at all suddenly had an idea on how to spice things up a bit. "Alex, check your pockets." Alex went to check his pockets mumbling about "talking to my damn self". When his hand made it into his pocket a grin slowly started spreading over his face.

A tall man with flowing white robes and waist length white hair and beard was slowly walking the expanse of purgatory while mulling over the events of earlier. 'Damn stoners, turn my back for one second and they die seventy years early. Why can't things be easy?' The god of all silently thought while crying anime tears. As he continued walking his nostrils were assaulted by the scent of something burning. He started to make his way towards the scent, his face becoming strangely serene compared to his former look of sadness. The man made it to the top of the hill he was climbing and what he saw made him facepalm immediately.

The only thing in sight was a single boulder, two young men were at said boulder. The shorter of the two sitting on the ground leaning against the boulder while the taller was lying on top of it. Now this would have been a normal, even while people rarely die before their time, if said young men weren't sitting there smoking their faces off. He calmly walked up to the young men without either noticing.

"Greetings recently departed!" His voice booming, scaring both causing the one on the ground to drop their pipe and the other to roll of the boulder, landing on the ground with a thud. "I am the creator of all, the god of life, the father of this planet!" Both boys had looks of shock etched on their faces. They were sputtering as they tried to find words, and for better or worse, Alex found them first.

"So your saying your god?" Alex asked with an incredulous look on his face. The man gave a slow nod to his question while his lips started twitching at the ends. Alex looked to Ray who still seemed frozen in shock. "Did we get that high?" He said hysterically. The man now identified as 'god' had a confused look on his face.

"After being in purgatory for a time you still find their being a god impossible?"

"Uhh, YES? If your god do something only god can do." Alex said to the man. Ray who had remained quiet through the conversation finally found his voice.

"If we ARE in purgatory...why are you here then? Aren't we supposed to suffer here for an eternity?" Ray slowly questioned. The god atleast had the decency to look embarrassed.

"Weeeelll about that...you guys kinda weren't supposed to die for another seventy years." He replied sheepishly.

"I see that makes se-WHAT! We weren't supposed to die for seventy years?! What kinda god are you?" Ray shouted back.

"The kind that's going to let you guys live again." He replied gruffly. "In exchange for this misunderstanding I'm going to allow you both one favor, or wish as you'd call it. Obviously no wishing for more wishes, immortality, or anything along the lines" The boys were shellshocked, here they were dead, then god comes and says they have one wish each because it was a mistake! 'Yep' both boys thought simultaneously, 'we have officially smoked ourselves crazy.' they then put their heads together for only a moment before they made their wishes.

"I wish for Alex and I to be in the Naruto world! We wanna be eight years old and go to the academy with the rookie nine, but we want to remember everything we know now!" Ray said

"Well, that's an interesting one, most people ask for a ton of money. I can take care of that for you guys, now Alex what's your wish?" The grin he received in return made him question what the wish would be.

"I wish that while we lived our new lives we had an endless supply of your greatest creation!" Alex joyfully shouted out.

"And what's my 'greatest creation'?" He hesitantly asked.

"WEED!" He shouted out. After hearing a thud Ray and Alex turned towards the god to see he had faceplanted.

"Fine, I can do that." The god replied after pulling himself off the ground. With a snap of his fingers the air around them started to grow even brighter."I'm really sorry again for the mix up even though apologizing doesn't seem enough for letting you die seventy years early. Well enjoy your new lives!" The ground underneath the boulder started to glow a bright white as that and the boys slowly started sinking into the ground. As they disappeared into the light, at the last possible second, an arm shot out and grabbed the glass pipe resting on the ground pulling it into the light as well. The god facepalmed and muttered something sounding like, "Damn stoners." as he disappeared without even a sound. -

A/N The end of chapter 1, I thought today how funny it would be to just have a stoner or two as part of the Naruto crew so I decided I'd make a fanfiction about it. Thank you if you read the chapter and let me know what you think! Peace, NarutoStoner


	2. Chapter 2

** AN- Hey guys sorry it took so long to update my computer shit the bed. Anyways here is chapter two! I hope you enjoy! -NarutoStoner  
**  
**Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto in anyway way shape or form, but i do own some weed.  
**  
Chapter 2-

In Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, an old man sat at his cleared desk with a big smile on his face. This man was none other than the Sandaime Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, student of the First AND Second Hokages, known as the 'professor' throughout the shinobi world. He packed away the last of his dreaded paperwork before carefully looking around, searching everywhere, even under his desk before he was satisfied. He sat back, biting his thumb and drawing a speck of blood that he wiped on a seal under his desk. In a poof of smoke an orange book appeared in his hands with a perverted grin appearing on his face. With a sigh he sat back to read his 'novel'.

"Oh you dirty girl Akane." Sarutobi mumbled while reading, a slight nosebleed noticeable on his face. There was a flash followed by two thuds causing Sarutobi to jump in his seat, fearing he had been caught he quickly looked around his office. Seeing nothing in the vicinity he chalked it up to his old age, shaking his head he returned to his book, the nosebleed getting steadily worse as he continued reading. /

"Oh Akane, stop acting like you don't want when you know you do." Sarutobi said in a sing song voice. "Oh that's right girl, get into it." A child's voice rang out over his right shoulder. Sarutobi's eyes widened, before he could turn another voice spoke over his left shoulder. "Oh Akane, don't just put one leg behind your head." another childlike voice said in minor disappointment.

Sarutobi shot out of his seat turning to face the intruders, he almost face planted seeing two boys no older than eight, with perverted grins and nosebleeds starting. 'How did they get in here?' Sarutobi thought to himself, amazed that two boys could get into his office unnoticed. He was brought out of his thoughts when the taller of the two took his book from his hands for closer inspection.

The boy was about five feet tall, tall for his age, and quite lanky. He had long messy brown hair that fell to cover his hazel colored eyes. He wore a plain black shirt with a Konoha symbol etched on the back with plain black shorts and black ninja sandals. The look on his face, or more in his eyes seeing as his face was still set in a grin, perplexed Sarutobi. 'That boy is older than he appears.' Sarutobi was pulled from his thoughts by a soft 'click' originating from the other boy. He was shorter than the other by a few inches but had more meat to him. He had short brown hair and brown eyes that portrayed more knowledge than an eight year old should possess. He wore the same outfit as the other boy but what caught his interest was the boy was smoking a pipe.

Sarutobi composed his thoughts and put on his 'Im the Hokage' look before clearing his throat to catch the boys attention. "Care to tell me' who you are and how you got into my office?" he said in a calm voice while letting some of his Ki leak out. His eyes drifting from boy to boy trying to intimidate them. The taller of the pair snapped Sarutobi's 'Icha Icha' book closed and stepped forward.

"Well it's kind of a long story and is hardly believable." the boy said in a wise tone that was out of place for a boy his age. Sarutobi glared at the boy, his look telling him 'better start explaining now'. With a sigh the boy began, "My name is Alex, this is Ray. We died in our world in a car accident last night. We came to find out that 'God', or 'Kami' as he's called here, made a mistake and we weren't supposed to die. He gave us another chance at life and we decided to come here. Your world is a manga in our world to answer your question as to how we knew of it." Alex stated nonchalantly, as if these kinds of things happen every day.

Sarutobi took it all in without a thought, "Oh well that makes se- WHAT?! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!" Sarutobi exploded after realizing what was said. He had seen and heard many things in his ninja career, but never had he heard of someone being brought back to life, by Kami, because KAMI made a mistake. Sarutobi lost all of his usual politeness and spoke in a cold tone. "Don't lie to me' or I will call ANBU and have you arrested, now who are you and how did you get in here?"

Alex and Ray seemed unfazed by the sudden change in demeanor, "I guess we have to do something to prove it to him." Ray mumbled to Alex. "So it seems." Alex whispered to him, raising his voice he addressed Sarutobi. "You don't believe us I see. What if I told you we know about that boy Naruto's 'burden'." Sarutobi went from being suspicious to nervous as this was said. "We also know about his familial situation. Need I continue? I can tell you all about Uchiha Itachi if you wish."

Sarutobi was now petrified, how did two boys know about S-ranked secrets, and how did they know about Naruto's PARENTS? Only him and Jiraiya knew Naruto's true lineage. "If what you say is true," Sarutobi spoke nervously, worried about the damage these boys could do with their knowledge. "What is your purpose in coming to this world. What's your goal?"

Ray started laughing uncontrollably behind Alex. "Hahahaha, our goal? We don't have a goal haha. We came here cause we died in our world and wanted to be ninja." Sarutobi was confused, the statement made sense but what was so funny? His confusion must have been noticeable because Alex answered the unvoiced question. "He is only laughing because he is high, not because we find the situation amusing."

"Moving past my friends uncontrollable laughter," Sarutobi sweat dropped after looking at Ray who erupted into a giggling fit. "We have some requests. First we need an apartment, and before you start we are twenty years old, we can live on our own." Sarutobi gave a nod, indicating it would be done. "Second, we need some money for clothes and food and what not. And third we would like to be enrolled in the Academy."

Sarutobi studied both boys for a few moments, one now clutching his stomach still laughing, the other standing straight with an impassive look, eyes studying every movement Sarutobi made. "Your terms are reasonable, now for mine. You are under no circumstances to divulge the information from this meeting." A silent nod was all he received in return. "When you enter the Academy you become shinobi in training, that means you are under MY command, I will not accept insubordination from anyone, dimension traveler or not." Ray having stopped laughing, was now giggling giving Sarutobi a mock salute.

"Understood, now if that's all I'd like to get this over with, i want to get accustomed to Konoha." Alex answered in a calm voice. Sarutobi started rummaging around in his desk looking for the necessary paperwork. He withdrew a key along with some papers. "Your apartment is located in the shinobi district, I will have an ANBU show you the way after you've signed these forms. Your first day at the Academy is tomorrow morning at nine." Both boys signed their names as Alex took the key and prepared to leave. He turned to Sarutobi at the door, "Oh I almost forgot, what's your policy on weed?" Sarutobi had a confused look on his face. "What is, weed?" He asked the boy. Alex gave a swift grin. "That's all I need to know!" He replied in excitement as he left the office.

Sarutobi sat back, reaching for his pipe as he did so. 'Those boys know a lot. I'm eager to see how far they can go.' He bit his finger and slid it over the blood seal under his desk, eager to continue reading. The seal didn't respond to his touch as Sarutobi's mind whirred, trying to think where he put his gold edition of 'Icha Icha: Tactics'. "GIVE ME MY BOOK BACK BOY!" He heard a shout of laughter and looked out his window to see the boys running from the Hokage tower as fast as their legs could take them.

Twenty minutes later finds the boys at their new apartment, 'breaking' it in. "So like, if you own a beach do you like, own the water or." Alex was saying while laying on the couch. "Nah man! You can't own the water it's god's water man!" Ray replied from his place on the floor. They were interrupted by a knock on their door. Alex got up to answer the door and Ray immediately stole his spit on the couch. Alex looked on from the door with a raised eyebrow. "You didn't call fives bro." Alex rolled his eyes and opened the door.

The door was forced open by a man with long blonde hair tied in a ponytail. "Where's the fire!? I own the flowershop next door and saw smoke pouring out your windows, are you boys alright?!" The man was looking everywhere, attempting to locate the 'fire'. / "I am sorry but there is no fire here, that is just from us smoking. I am Alex, it is a pleasure to meet you..?"

"Inoichi, Yamanaka Inoichi." Inoichi had a nonplussed look on his face, hardly able to believe that an eight year old boy was smoking. "Are your parents home?" He questioned politely.

"No sir, me' and my friend live here alone." Inoichi looked shocked to see a young boy living alone with his friend no less. "You are a shinobi, correct?" Alex questioned in his eerily calm voice. Inoichi gave a nod, wondering why the boy wanted to know. "Could you please inform me' of the best shinobi supply store in the village."

Inoichi was shocked to say the least, this boy looked to be the same age as his daughter, but he carried himself as a grown man would. "Ahh, Higurashi's carries the best equipment but is a little expensive. Are you just entering the academy?" Inoichi asked kindly, trying to get some sort of read on the boy. Alex responded with a silent nod to his inquiry. "I could help you find equipment if you like."

"That's alright I can manage. It was a pleasure to meet you Inoichi, I must take my leave." Alex replied in his monotone voice with a blank look on his face. Inoichi wanted to argue to attempt to learn more about the boy but didn't have a chance as the door was quietly closed.

"Ray! Get your ass up or else you won't have time to smoke before class!" Ray's bedroom door slammed open as Ray only in his boxers came tearing out of the room. "I heard smoke!" Ray shouted still half asleep looking all around for what they were smoking. Alex shook his head and set breakfast on the table along with a pipe. "We gotta hurry, class starts in an hour and we still need to get ready." Alex stated as they sat down at the table.

Forty-fiveminutes later the two boys stood out front of the Academy amongst kids being dropped off by their parents. Both boys were sporting their new outfits along with some gear. Ray was wearing dark blue ANBU pants with blue shinobi sandals and bandages wrapping his ankles. He had a long sleeved blue shirt with a Konoha symbol on the back and bandages holding the sleeves down at his wrist. He had a kunai pouch attached to both thighs along with two on the back of his waist in reach of either hand.

Alex wore black ANBU pants along with black shinobi sandals. He had a black short sleeved on with a plain black flak vest over it, he wrapped black bandages around his ankles and arms so the only skin showing was his neck and head. He had a single kunai pouch on his right thigh and a ninja-to on his back, the handle going above his right shoulder, the two pockets on his vest were overflowing with what looked like paper. Both boys were getting curious looks from the other children but didn't acknowledge them. They made their way into the building, ready to begin training to become ninja.

As Ray entered the room he noticed a head of blonde hair sitting near the middle of the class. The girl in question had long blonde hair tied up in a ponytail with bangs falling to cover one of her eyes. She had sparkling blue eyes and wore a purple dress with bandages around her waist and thighs. 'Shes gonna be a looker when she's older.' Ray thought as he made his way to the open seat beside her and the pink haired girl.

Ray plopped down on the seat next to girl, receiving a glare from the pink haired one. He calmly took out a kunai and began spinning it on his finger by the ring, attracting the attention of almost everyone in the room. "I'm Ray, what's your name?" He asked to the blonde girl, the stars in her eyes proof he looked cool spinning the kunai.

"I'm Yamanaka I-" she attempted to say before she was interrupted by a shrill cry of "STOP TRYING TO BE COOL! SASUKE-KUN IS WAY COOLER THAN YOU!" Screamed the pink haired girl. Ray had one finger in his ear, a look of pain on his face. "I'm right here no need to yell. And is 'Sasuke-kun' the moody kid with hair that looks like a chickens ass?" Ray asked the girls, a look of amusement crossing his face. Ino gave him a nod while the pink haired girl looked like she would yell again. Ray quickly spoke to interrupt her. "Well, I don't know how 'cool' he is but he might need some help." Ray said, fighting not to laugh as he pointed towards the bottom of the class where Sasuke currently had Alex pinning him to the wall, his ninja-to at his throat.

Alex was studying every student he saw, noticing many students he knew of he spoke towards Ray. "Ray, make sure you don't let it slip that we know a lot about this world. Ray are you listen-" Alex stopped speaking as he realized Ray was already gone. Spotting him sitting next to who he knew to be Sakura and Ino, he looked and decided on an empty seat next to a window in the first row.

Alex settled down and pulled out his 'new' gold edition of 'Icha Icha: Tactics' gaining a few confused looks from a few students. "Oh a bath together with Akane sounds wonderful Ayumi!" Alex had a perverted grin that should not be on the face of an eight year old and a slight trickle of blood flowing out his nose. He let out a perverted giggle and prepared to turn the page when he was interrupted.

"Move weirdo." A slightly pale boy with dark hair that spiked in the back with two strands hanging a little down his face. He wore tan shorts and a dark blue shirt with a high collar. He had what was supposed to be an intimidating glare on his face but Alex was unfazed. / Alex closed his book and softly placed it to the side, he turned to look the boy in the face. "No, I rather enjoy the window seat." Alex spoke calmly but with a tinge of steel to his voice. The boy sneered at him and took another step forward.

"Do you know who I am? I'm Uchiha Sasuke, of the famed Uchiha clan, also the number one in the class." He stated smugly, a smirk upon his face. Alex smirked right back at him.

"Your families skill does not make you a skilled ninja, and being first in the class means nothing in real combat. You are merely an arrogant child who expects me' to cower because of your family." Sasuke growled and swung a right hand at Alex's face. Alex moved left while standing, grabbing the Uchiha's wrist in his left hand and drawing his ninja-to in his right. He spun around after getting a hold on Sasuke's wrist, driving forward into the wall pushing his weight into the boy as his blade sprang from the sheath and onto his throat.

"Never underestimate your opponent, great Uchiha." Alex spoke in such a deathly calm voice that Sasuke involuntarily shivered, reminded of Itachi's voice that night. Alex slowly slid the blade of his neck, leaving a small cut after. A shout came from behind Alex, drawing his attention from the still pinned Uchiha. "Haha, I thought you were the best Teme!"

The shout was from a short boy with spiky blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and six whisker marks on his cheeks. He had on a hideous orange jumpsuit with a huge grin on his face. "SHUT UP BAKA! AND YOU LET GO OF SASUKE-KUN RIGHT NOW!" Sakura hollered from her seat.

Alex merely ignored her while Naruto turned to her and began scratching the back of his head. "Hey Sakura-Chan, wanna go on a date?" Naruto asked her followed by his trademark grin. Before she could damage anymore eardrums Iruka entered the classroom with Mizuki in tow, the latter throwing a glare at Naruto.

"QUIET DOWN!" The noise in the room stopped quickly. "You let go of Sasuke and introduce yourself." Iruka said with authority to Alex. Alex dropped the Uchiha to the floor and addressed Iruka. "I am Alex, I enjoy reading, strategy games, and smoking."

"Just Alex? Iruka questioned with his only answer being a nod. "I am Iruka and this is Mizuki we are your instructors. Now mind telling me' why you had Sasuke pinned to the wall?" Iruke glared at Alex who looked back calmly.

"He became angered and attacked me, I merely defended myself." Alex spoke as he dropped into the seat at the end of the row opening his book once again. Iruka and Mizuki had shocked looks on their faces as they recognized the book ad Jiraiya's work. "I would appreciate it if you- WHAT ARE YOU DOING! THERE'S NO SMOKING IN HERE!" His attention now on Ray as he hit a pipe and was trying to get Ino to take a hit.

"Ehehe, I was just taking a few hits my bad." Ray said while hastily stashing the pipe back into his pocket. Iruke pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked at Ray. "Care to introduce yourself?" He stated, his annoyance carrying into his voice.

"Oh, ehehe, I'm Ray, and I like smoking weed and stuff." Ray, fighting the urge to giggle said to the class. 'This is gonna be a long four years.' Iruka thought as he turned to the class. "Alright guys time for history, and put your book away Alex before I take it!" He said as Naruto's, Ray's, Alex's, and Shikamaru's heads slammed to the table at the same time. 'A very long four years.' Iruka thought as him and everyone else in the class sweat dropped at their actions.

**AAANNNDD CUT! I know this chapter is slow but whatever, im gonna skip the academy years and go straight to the genin exams. Nothing important in my story happens in the Academy so its all good. Until next time! -NarutoStoner**


End file.
